This really is not just a chart about what people think but also about what they think is ok to say, even though it's none of their business. No one asked me if my 2nd was an accident. But people often ask me if baby #3 is. And it's usually strangers because those that really know us know we've always wanted a big family. We've never just wanted a boy and a girl. When I met Barker he said he had a feeling he'd have 4 daughters. I laughed (If you knew him back then you'd find that funny, too.) I replied "I always saw myself with 4 boys!" We weren't dating then, but once we were my vision of our family changed and I always pictured 2 of each. That's why the thought of having an emergency hysterectomy or losing my fertility after Huddie was so horrific to me. The guilt of possibly not being able to give him the family he had hoped for was overwhelming and people telling me to get over it and just be happy with what I got simply pissed me off further. I never said I wasn't happy. It was just that changing the vision we had for our family was not an easy, overnight task.
But the above image made me laugh because just last night a total stranger, a man in his 50's, walked over, asked me how old my kids are, and when I'm due. Then he immediately said "Now you're done right? Or are you going for the 4th?" I didn't care to explain my medical history or age to a stranger so I just said "I think she's our last." And left it at that. Not like I'll ever see him again. He said "Oh I didn't ask the gender. Didn't want to be nosey." Ha! Then he goes on to say he and his wife stopped at 3 because she got too old, she was 40 when their 3rd was born. By the way- those were his exact words, not mine. I just said "Yes, for most of us it gets harder and riskier with each passing year." Then I realized I was going to have to be the one to walk away from this conversation. He never even told me his name, he just felt compelled to give me his opinion on my 3rd pregnancy. But what shocked me the most was that he was brave enough to refer to his wife as 'too old.' Ouch.
So I've decided I'll just make things up to mess with strangers that think they know it all. I'll tell them the 3rd is a baby I'm carrying as a surrogate or that we're shooting for lucky #7. Just to see their faces and document just how much people will say to a total stranger. I guess you can't help what thoughts pop into your head because Anericans by and far seem to be programmed to think you have a boy and a girl then you're done. But I really have no idea why people think it's perfectly acceptable to give you their unsolicited opinion. I don't personally have a problem with anyone asking me if we're having a 4th but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to predict what our future holds anymore than I could say for certain a 3rd was in the cards. Isn't it always a situation of 'only time will tell'? But I am not a fan of people scrunching up their noses to myself or my friends with 3 or more and saying 'you're done now, right?' as if they're the ones nursing these children at 2am, bathing them at night, dragging them to school and soccer or even home schooling. I just find it so very odd that people think it's so acceptable to insult your number of children to your face when they're not their responsibility. I wonder if it's like this all over the world, where the average number of off spring varies?
I've also noticed that people have a strong opinion on how far apart your kids are in age, that varies by region. In Texas people never commented on my kids being 3 years apart. But in Louisiana people always asked then replied "Wow! You really spaced them out. When's the 3rd?" This was before I knew for sure we could have a 3rd and didn't know how long it would take to conceive. We were hoping to be pregnant by this December and I'm sure had it taken that long I'd have a lifetime of 'spaced them out comments' to answer to. Since it for once didn't take forever to conceive they'll be just over 2 years apart. People here keep commenting 'that's perfect!' but I never wanted them that close in age personally, but due to my age and previous medical issues I just couldn't wait as long as I'd preferred. Plus, we knew it might take a while to conceive. How does anyone ever know for sure? Even having a Dr. implanting it doesn't guarantee it will stick and your kids will be exactly as far apart as you personally preferred.
So basically I've come to realize that I'm the odd one, one that doesn't feel flabbergasted when someone wants just 1 baby or a 3rd baby, and doesn't feel that shaming them is the polite response.
But my heart really goes out to those at the top of the chart. Those married couples who have been taking out loans and sticking themselves with needles and praying and pleading with God to let them be pregnant, just to have random people bug them with the 'when are you having a baby' comments. A few weeks ago I read an article about the huge spike in 'selfish' Anericans choosing not to have kids. Choosing instead to have careers. To travel. To buy a vacation home before the age of 60. Oh the nerve! Apparently people are outraged because we need people to have babies to put them into the work force to pay into social programs for those who don't work. I believe the article was in Huffington Post. I wish I would've saved the link. But I doubt many of those 'childless by choice' people were offended by the article since those lucky ducks were off on vacation! ; )
Oh! And a semi new phenomenon I've noticed.... Thinking it's ok to ask a stranger with twins or more if they did fertility drugs. Why do you care? Yes twins are way more common place now due to drugs but what does it matter? Is there a 1st place ribbon for identical twins born to moms that had no idea that could happen and a participant ribbon for those with fraternal twins or triplets due to drugs, IVF, etc. Sheesh! If you suspect they had to undergo fertility treatments to get their twins then it was probably a long, painful journey. So why bring it up? I'm grateful people just ask me about a 4th as if I have a crystal ball, instead of making me relive years of disappointment like some of those with multiples due to meds.
On the plus side, it seems like people really used to shame those they thought 'chose' to just have one child. I heard the word selfish a lot. Help for some via fertility meds hasn't always been around. And some people just want one kid. I have several friends with just one child and both the parents and the child are perfectly content, as are my friends with 3+ children. (Which I recently saw refered to as drowning.) I know people still bug those with just 1 kid but it doesn't seem to be worthy of the constant questions and public shaming like it was in the past. So yay for that.
But if we all just worried about ourselves then I'd have nothing to blog about and I'd be forced to get up and do my chores. And who wants that?
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